Don't Even Know I Am Lying

Perhaps you have heard of the common acronym for denial: Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying. I believe we have all experienced our own denial at some point in our lives about something or other. When it comes to addiction recovery, whether it be from alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling etc. it can’t be avoided. Thats why in the 30 task model of sexual addiction recovery created by Dr. Patrick Carnes, “Breaking Through Denial” stands as the number one place to start. 

In psychology, denial can be defined as a defense mechanism in which acknowledging a problem or reality is avoided, or in other words refusing to admit the reality of something unpleasant. It is a quite natural response and often occurs without much conscious help. Denial often presents itself through unhelpful thinking distortions. The intention is to protect oneself from getting too overwhelmed with painful feelings of despair, shame, or judgment from self or others etc., but paradoxically, denial only enhances such feelings, and reinforces the cycle of compulsive behavior, thoughts, and addiction if not addressed.

A leader in the field of sexual addiction and compulsive behaviour, Dr. Rob Weiss, identified a few ways that denial presents itself:

• Blame/Externalization: “with a spouse that doesn’t recognize and/or meet my needs, who wouldn’t be looking at porn?” “If women dressed differently, I wouldn’t be so tempted”. “It’s only a problem because my church says it is”.
• Entitlement: “I work hard and am stressed, I deserve a break every once in a while to look at porn.” “My needs are different from anyone else.”
• Justification: “If I was in a relationship I could have sex and wouldn’t have to do this”. “I don’t have enough to do, of course I’m going to look at porn.”
• Minimization: “It’s just porn.  It’s not like I am actually cheating and having an affair like other people.” “It’s not like I use it everyday”. “I can change on my own”.
• Rationalization: “my thoughts and behaviour doesn’t affect anyone but me. What my spouse doesn’t know can’t hurt them.” “It’s the only thing that helps me when I’m anxious or depressed”.
• Feeling Like a Victim: “Everyone treats me poorly, what else am I gonna do?.” “I can’t help it”. “There is nothing I can do about it”.

Often when first meeting someone, whether they are there at the request of a spouse, parent, or boss, or on their own volition we can start to see and begin to uncover the sometimes hidden presence of denial. More times than not there is more to one's story that needs to be accepted and addressed in order to move forward in the best way possible. This can be a very painful but exceedingly rewarding process. When we are ready to surrender to the truth, freedom can be found. Often this task is accomplished by identifying and challenging distorted thoughts, creating a list of problems & secrets (even if one thinks they are unrelated or insignificant), identifying and facing our worst experiences with the behaviour, and sharing one’s whole story with their therapist. 

Walking through this initial task of recovery will open one's view and create a whole new lens through which to see themselves and the path ahead. It is not easy, but many have walked it and opened the gate to real and lasting change.

If you think you or someone you care about has a problem with porn or other compulsive sexual behaviour, go here and take the free, confidential screening test.

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