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 Perhaps you have heard of the common acronym for denial: Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying. I believe we have all experienced our own denial at some point in our lives about something or other. When it comes to addiction recovery, whether it be from alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling etc. it can’t be avoided. Thats why in the 30 task model of sexual addiction recovery created by Dr. Patrick Carnes, “Breaking Through Denial” stands as the number one place to start.
In psychology, denial can be defined as a defense mechanism in which acknowledging a problem or reality is avoided, or in other words refusing to admit the reality of something unpleasant. It is a quite natural response and often occurs without much conscious help. Denial often presents itself through unhelpful thinking distortions. The intention is to protect oneself from getting too overwhelmed with painful feelings of despair, shame, or judgment from self or others etc., but paradoxically, denial only enhances such feelings, and reinforces the cycle of compulsive behavior, thoughts, and addiction if not addressed. A leader in the field of sexual addiction and compulsive behaviour, Dr. Rob Weiss, identified a few ways that denial presents itself:
Walking through this initial task of recovery will open one's view and create a whole new lens through which to see themselves and the path ahead. It is not easy, but many have walked it and opened the gate to real and lasting change. If you think you or someone you care about has a problem with porn or other compulsive sexual behaviour, go here and take the free, confidential screening test.
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 Core beliefs are longstanding, central ideas one holds about themselves, others, and the world around them. We develop these strongly held and inflexible ideas throughout our lives in response to the interaction of our experiences, temperament, and personality. Often the building blocks of our core beliefs are established early in life and may be the result of attempts to protect us. These beliefs become the lens through which the events of our lives are viewed and inform not only how we think, but what we feel and how we behave.
Often the core beliefs we internalize can be unhelpful and even irrational because they ignore the evidence to the contrary in our present circumstances. While possibly once helpful, we continue to look through the same filter as the past, and apply it to our present. Sometimes the core beliefs we hold are real or perceived messages we received from others such as care-givers, peers, teachers, church leaders. Etc. Commonly we take these and assume them to be accurate and true. Many times we don’t even realize the core beliefs we are hanging onto because they become so much a part of us. When working with individuals, it is often not until we start paying attention to, and exploring thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we uncover the beliefs lying at the core. Once we can see these and identify their origins, we can begin to create space for a new way of seeing the world and ourselves in it. These core beliefs don’t just go away. After all, they have been such a huge part of us for so many years. However, we know from neuroscience that we can actually change the pathways in our brain to a new way of experiencing life. I often use the analogy of a hiking trail. Over time, as more and more people use a certain trail up a mountain it becomes well worn, and easier to navigate. We don’t have to worry about where to go next because the path is laid out ahead of us. This is like the pathways created in our brains. We don’t even have to think about it and our core beliefs will take over and lead us how to feel and behave. As we start to uncover the unhelpful beliefs and patterns we have been following we can start bushwhacking a new trail. It takes some work, but eventually a new trail starts to take shape-and the views are amazing! We may find ourselves back on the old path occasionally, but with practice, we can bring ourselves back. Eventually, the old trail gets overgrown and less easy to find. In addressing addiction, it is so important to discover the core beliefs that are sitting under the unhelpful thoughts, obsessions, rituals, damaging behaviours, and shame. When we don’t the cycle is reinforced and ultimately the beliefs strengthen. Dr. Patrick Carnes research on compulsive behaviour and sexual addiction has uncovered 4 core beliefs common among those struggling: 1) I am basically a bad and unworthy person. 2) No one could love me as I am. 3) I cannot rely on others to meet my needs. 4) My most important need is… (fill in the blank with the compulsive behaviour) If this sounds familiar, help with an expert professional can help you get unstuck and move past the core beliefs that have held you hostage. |
AuthorJeff Whitehead, MSW Archives
June 2023
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